Today I was the worst version of myself…

This is going to be one of those posts that I hope reaches people. One that talks about something we don’t talk about often enough. One that leaves me open and vulnerable for every one to judge. It’s scary to put these things out there but I feel so strongly about it being necessary to talk about. So here it goes…

Today I was the worst version of myself. I try and do everything with love, patience, and kindness. I try to be the person I want Elowyn to grow up and be. Today I was someone I would not be happy to see my child be. I was short, impatient, and angry. I kept it together for about 80% of the day. But those last few hours, from 5pm-8pm I was an ugly person. I didn’t scream, at least not out loud. I didn’t hit anyone. But I was ugly all the same. I know my words were not kind, and my tone less than nice. My jaw hurts from clenching my teeth in anger and frustration.

Elowyn wasn’t a great version of herself either. She yelled no at me constantly. She ran away laughing anytime I asked her to do anything. She refused to eat 90% of her meals and threw almost all her food on the floor. She took toys from Emelia and threw huge fits when I asked her to give them back. She threw every single book off of her book loft onto the floor then refused to pick them up. The list goes on and on.

Here’s the difference. I know self control. I know calming techniques. I am not an almost two year old with big feelings trying to navigate a strange big world.

I am a 32 year old with big feelings. Ones that sometimes even I cannot control. A lot of people don’t talk about the bad days. The days they we’re not the best they could be. But here’s why I think we should. Because now, as I sit here and rock Emelia to sleep (who has also been screaming bloody murder for an hour) I have tears falling down my face, and I feel like an utter failure. I know I am by no means a perfect parent but I think Jack and I do a pretty good job raising our girls. But one bad day, not even the whole day actually, just a few bad hours and I’m the lowest of lows. How could I be so short with Elowyn? How could I ever be frustrated at a 3 month old for crying non stop. In the calm after the storm it seems so horrible. Like nothing else I did today or for the last two years as a parent matters. I can only see the ugliness from the last four hours.

Enter my husband. I text him as I’m rocking Emelia to apologize. Sorry I was so frustrated. It’s ok he says. No it’s not and I’m sorry, I respond. His answer, that’s why I’m here honey, we’re all going to get frustrated but we work together and everything will be fine. He is my rock. He is amazing. He gives me a sliver of hope that maybe Elowyn will still love me in the morning. Maybe she won’t forever hold against me my few bad hours of the day.

So I say to anyone who has been less than their best. It’s ok. Tomorrow you will do better. Everyone has big feelings. Whether you are two or ninety two, it’s ok to have a bad day. Moms and Dads get angry too.

I hope by being vulnerable and open about my angry less than happy self other people will feel less alone. I hope people read this and know they aren’t the only ones that get so extremely mad that you might break a tooth from clenching your jaw so hard.

I walked away twice today from Elowyn. I let Jack deal with her because I knew I couldn’t keep it together any longer. Twice I almost screamed at my child because she wouldn’t listen to me. Twice, I almost lost my shit on an innocent little baby. So for that I sit here with tears down my cheeks feeling like absolute shit. And I share this with you, because I know you have been or will be there one day and I hope you remember it’s ok. You didn’t fail. Tomorrow is a new day.