Hello Me…Are you out there?

So it’s Tuesday night and the last post you had from me was about a file folder game. So you have gotten exactly one activity out of this blog. Why? Because I have done exactly one activity since saying I needed to do more activities with Elowyn.

I am tired. Yes, I have two children under two…but that isn’t what is making me tired. Or at least, I don’t think it is.

Emelia is amazing at sleeping so I’m extremely lucky and get a good six hour stretch of sleep most nights. It’s not enough. No matter how much sleep I get it never feels like enough. I am tired, I am forgetful, I am a mess 90% of the time. I promise I’m not going into a deep dark hole, I’ve made sure many times I don’t have PPD, but that also doesn’t mean things are sunshine’s and rainbows over here.

I’m just not me. I’m not the me that does activities everyday with my kids. I’m not the me that keeps the house clean and the laundry put away. I’m not the me that can function on 6 hours of sleep and 1 cup of coffee and be fine all day. Are you out there me? Will I ever be me again?

I am bad at cutting myself slack. I feel terrible if the dishes don’t get done or the laundry sits in a basket. I beat myself up if we miss a day of learning activities during the week. I feel absolutely disgusting if I don’t take a shower every day. But this new me, this extremely tired overwhelmed me apparently doesn’t want to do those things. Unfortunately there is just enough of the old me there to be upset by this. So I am now the unmotivated OCD person. I just tell myself over and over I need to do something and then…don’t do it.

I know my hormones are all out of whack. My face is breaking out like a prepubescent middle schooler. I haven’t broken out since…well since middle school.

I’m breast feeding and that doesn’t help. I’m 100% not drinking enough water during the day and definitely not eating well. I’m sure that doesn’t help the exhaustion.

I could be sleeping right now, but instead I laid in bed for 30 minute worrying about not getting enough sleep. Good news though, that sounds like something me would do. Is that you me? Are you still in there somewhere?

I don’t share this for attention and I’m not reaching out for help. I would if I needed it though. I’m sharing this because I know other people must feel like this too. I don’t want you to feel alone. I want you to know other people feel out of it too.

It takes over a year for a women’s body to recover from child birth. It takes even longer for hormones to regulate if you are breast feeding. Add in the added stress on my body from IVF which started at least a year before Elowyn was born. Oh and before IVF we tried clomid for 6 months. And by we, I mean me. Because well…only I had to take it. However my amazing husband has always been by my side every step of the way.

So when you add all that up, I have been dealing with my hormones being out of whack for at least 4 1/2 years now. My body is tired. My hormones are a disaster. The me I knew four years ago, barely exists now.

She will be back. And how I’m feeling now will be a blip on the radar but right now it feels big. It feels like almost too much. But I know I will miss these moments so much. And I can sleep all I want in 20 years. For now, I’ll be extra tired so I can hold my baby while she sleep on me, and I’ll remember even if I feel like I’ve lost myself, even if I’m upset because I got no cleaning done, even if the laundry sits in a basket for a week, I am still one of the luckiest people alive. I have an amazing family. None of them care if their laundry comes from the closet or the bottom of a basket. And no matter which version of me I am right now, they all love me. 💗