The very first post. Hopefully with many more to come.
First The Who…I am a stay at home mom to two amazing little girls. Before staying home with my girls I worked in Early Childhood for 15 years. I went from assistant teacher all the way to center director before ending my career to care for my kids.
Elowyn was born in November 2019 and is almost two years old. She was born four months before the pandemic started and it is the reason why I never went back to work. She is our fearless wild child. She has a huge heart, amazing manners (most of the time), and is extremely stubborn. Emelia was born in June 2021 and is currently 2 months old. So far she is our calm laid back one but let’s be honest, I won’t be surprised if that doesn’t last. I have an amazing husband, Jack, who works as a Registered Vet Tech. He makes sure it’s possible for me to continue staying home with our girls.
Now the why, it is such a big why I have trouble putting it into words. It started when Elowyn was born. We went through such a long process to have her. Two years of infertility followed by an stressful journey of treatments and procedures. The journey took us to IVF where we created 3 embryos. The final 3 chances we had at having a family. That first embryo gave us Elowyn. While I was pregnant with Elowyn I often heard the same phrases over and over. Some of them true, some of them the furthest from the truth. One of those phrases was, “It will be love at first sight. You will see her and immediately be so full of love for her it will be like she has always been there.” So for me…someone who struggles deeply with OCD and anxiety, this could not have been further from the truth. For hours after she was born I was terrified something was wrong with me. Didn’t they say it would be love at first sight? Why am I not connecting immediately with this tiny new baby. If you know me, you might not believe this happened because I love my children so deeply now, but it was not something that immediately clicked within me. Had someone, anyone been honest that they felt this way when their baby was born I would have been calm and felt better about not having an instant connection. People need to know it’s not all rainbows and butterflies and guess what? That’s ok! Some days you might be the best parent in the world, and other days you might be shocked you made it to bed time without dropping your kids off in the middle of the woods and running away as fast as you can. Don’t even get me started on breastfeeding. I do it, but it’s not some beautiful connection that makes me feel incredibly fulfilled (which is yet another thing I was constantly told I would feel). “You will love being able to provide for them, it might be hard at first but stick with it, it gets easier. You will have a deeper connection with your children because of it.” I call bullshit on all of those things. At least for me. I dislike it a lot. Elowyn was terrible at eating and it was a 9 month battle. Emelia is better but still takes 45 minutes for her to eat and she eats every 2-3 hours. So…she’s pretty much always attached to me. Yeah, not a fun time. Not extremely fulfilling for me.
But that, that is my why. People need to know it’s ok to not feel the things society tells you to feel. You don’t need to appear to be the perfect unfrazzled parent.
As for what? Who the hell knows what you will get. One day you might read my blog and feel inspired, one day you might need a drink, and one day you might feel like finding me and buying me a drink (even though I can’t drink because, breast feeding. Just another dumb thing about it 🤣). Whatever you get from reading this my hope is you at least always feel solidarity and honesty. This is a judgement free, 100% brutally honest place.
Mornings With Mama 
I have been thinking about this since you asked my opinion earlier today. First, let me be clear. No one that knows you and sees what you post about your daughters has ever had one moment of doubt how much you love them You are an amazing mother. You are also extremely critical of yourself, thinking somehow you could be a better mother than you already are, which is absurd. Women to through so much, physically and mentally during child birth, and the months following. Women are nearly robots, going through the steps of integrating a child into the family. No sleep, massive hormonal changes to their bodies, caring for other children if there are any. Your anxiety, which is a family problem, causes you to worry excessively about almost everything. It is a bitch to be OCD when the thing you are compulsive about is perfection. Add to that, both of your nieces came into the world with their own challenges. Which just added to the list of things you had to worry about. Elowyn also came with her share of health issues at birth. Issues she has outgrown, but still, I remember you asking me if anyone really had a normal delivery, and no post birth issues. The answer yes, but not in our family. All of these things combined to make you feel somewhat removed from your children, but the truth of the matter is that no mother ever has been more devoted or loving of her children. Sometimes it just takes a persons mind a bit to adjust. I know for a fact you would fight a grizzly bear to the death to protect your children, and win.
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Thank you for being so honest. When lilly was born and they put her on my chest I remember just staring at the ceiling. I don’t think I even looked at her until zach held her. I just felt shock and anger. The anger came from the awful experience I had delivering her due to my doctor. And the shock came from the fact that I didn’t instantly have this grand emotional experience everyone raved about. I have felt guilty for this ever since. Guilty I let my distaste for the doctor take over and guilt I didn’t instantly forget the birth trauma looking at her. I have also heard you forget everything once you see your child but that did not hold true. Sometimes I look at pictures of her as a newborn and still feel that anger i felt in that moment. Expecting moms and new moms need to hear the truth so they don’t feel as guilty as so many of us do. Turns out we aren’t alone!
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Well this made it all worth it. If nothing ever comes of this but this one comment I will be fulfilled. 💗 I didn’t even have a horrible experience and felt this way. When Elowyn was born my OB said “ok are you ready to see your baby” my response “no!” I don’t know why. But I can tell you it doesn’t even matter. Let go of that guilt because we love them now and that is what matters. 💗
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