One of the things I’ve been pretty open about if you know me is how terrified I was to have a second baby. I knew if I didn’t do it, I would regret it so I just did what past me had always planned on doing and had our second IVF transfer a year after Elowyn was born. Here’s the part I didn’t admit to most people. I almost wanted it to fail. Man I feel so shitty saying that now but I was so scared. I was scared I would mess up the beautiful family we already had. I was scared Elowyn would rebel and feel less loved. I was scared of being hopeful that we could have two kids. So instead I convinced myself maybe just having one was fine.
The whole pregnancy was hard both physically and emotionally. It was so different than with Elowyn. I barely ever remembered how far along I was. I never looked at an app to see what size fruit she was. I felt completely disconnected from the baby I was growing. I was pretty convinced something terrible was going to happen because it was so selfish of me to hope for more kids. We should just be happy we were able to have one. No way it would work again. No way things would go right. We spent so long trying for a family, so many heartbreaks, so many tests, procedures, tries, and so many fails. The worst part was it was 100% me that was the problem. Jack could have made a child with anyone no problem. But I had all the broken parts. So who I am to ask for not one but two children?
I don’t know if anyone has ever felt this way, or will feel comfortable enough to admit feeling this way. I wish I could say she came out and I immediately fell in love and felt better. That definitely was not the case. I pretty much made them let me leave the hospital after 48 hours. I missed my baby. The one I already had at home. She was having a really hard time at night without me, so I felt like my worst fears were confirmed. I had ruined everything. At home it got worse. Week 2 I looked at jack and said, “what the hell did we do? We ruined everything!” It was rough. Elowyn wouldn’t go to sleep because she was terrified I would disappear. Emelia stopped latching well and I had to start pumping (luckily she is great at nursing now and that nightmare is over). Things got worse and worse with Elowyn because I couldn’t pick her up. Or well, I wasn’t supposed to. Not only did I have a c-section I had my only remaining tube removed and that came with some complications. It was the worst recovery I’ve ever had. So I’m in pain, the baby won’t eat, and the older one is pissed off about the whole situation. I was 100% sure we had made a huge mistake.
Then, something happened. The world did indeed shift. It just took three weeks longer than people said. I can’t tell you an exact moment, but I can tell you it started with Elowyn. She started giving Emelia blankets. Then she asked me to put Emelia on her lap so she could hold her.
Elowyn showed me it was in fact going to be ok. We had not actually made a huge mistake. We had made the best decision ever. We have two amazing little girls who love each other so much. Elowyn asks about her sissy first thing every morning. Emelia’s face lights up anytime she hears Elowyn’s voice. They are already the best of friends. I love both girls so much and sometimes it seems absolutely insane that I struggled so much with it all.
At 32 I couldn’t tell you if I believe in fate, or a higher power. I couldn’t tell you if things happen because they are supposed to be that way. What I can tell you, is Emelia was supposed to be a part of this family. She has brought an incredible amount of joy into our lives, and I’m pretty much obsessed with both of our little girls. 💗
Mornings With Mama 