I thought I was Married…

Some people say the first year living together is the hardest. You are learning to co-exist with someone. You have to deal with all their weird quirks. Some of them are funny and some of them just freaking annoying as hell. When I think about the first year Jack and I lived together I wonder how we made it this far.

I was starting my journey to better mental health. Which funny enough, actually started out by having way worse mental health. Without diving down a deep hole that this post was never meant for, I will give a bit of an explanation. Or maybe I’ll ramble on unnecessarily who knows.

When you decide you can no longer tackle a mental health problem on your own and you are ready to try medication you think, maybe I’ll have a few side effects but I’m sure it will go great. WRONG! Unless you get extremely lucky (and I hope you do) it takes several tries to find the right combination of medication. For me, the first medicine was terrible. Jack has dubbed it “the buspar days.” It was ugly. Jack was dealing with his own stuff at the time and we were not good at communicating. So yeah, definitely ugly.

So our first year living together was for sure a hard one. The hardest? Not to me. We then spent two years dealing with infertility. I don’t have the energy or words to even attempt to go into how hard and awful that was. But was it the hardest? Still no.

The hardest year of marriage? Well, we are living it. Not because we are fighting. Not because we don’t know how to communicate. Not because we are dealing with some huge struggle. We have two kids under two and they have big personalities. Ok well mostly Elowyn. Emelia is working on it though! It’s not a bad thing. In fact it’s amazing. I love watching them be themselves.

But my marriage…I mean I think I’m married. It is like this spot that you can barely see in your peripheral vision but when you go to focus on it, it disappears.

Don’t freak out. We are the most in love. I cannot imagine my life without Jack. In fact I miss him so much! That is what makes this the hardest year. We don’t get to enjoy being around each other much right now.

Today Jack went into work already in over time. He is busting his ass and when he is home he is exhausted. I am some sort of zombie Mom at the moment. I use every bit of energy I have on the kids. I spent all day giving them my all. So when Jack and I do see each other, it’s often spent in an exhausted silence. Many times we have talked about setting a day during the week where we play a game or something after the girls go to bed. We usually do it once then are too tired to try again for months.

While I write this Jack is at work doing surgery on a dog with a liver mass. Who knows how long it will take. I can almost guarantee I won’t be awake when he gets home.

My marriage and my husband are everything to me. But right now in this stage of life, this is the hardest it’s ever been. We have to rely on the knowledge that we love each other deeply but we are exhausted. We have to thrive on tiny little gestures and passing hugs in the hallway. We have to remember our marriage and all that it is while focusing on the kids 99% of the time. I

know some people do a way better job fitting in date night and I know a lot of people find it to be a priority, but that’s just not us. One of the things we both love so deeply about each other is our love for our children. A lot of people enjoy time away from their children and that is 100% great and super normal! We don’t really want to leave them ever which is probably less healthy and not as normal. That’s just who we are and that is definitely ok with me.

I will take every passing hallway hug and Goodnight text I can get. I will especially cherish the nights we actually get to sleep next to each other. I will find time to do little things to show him just how much he means to us. I miss you Jack Fisher. I can’t wait to date you again. 💗💗