So building off of yesterday’s terrible overwhelming day I would like to start by saying I went to bed with a smile on my face.

My amazing husband came home and immediately knew I wasn’t in a great head space. He hugged me and said, “what can I do to help?” He worked like 10 hours yesterday then came home and took out the trash, picked up toys, and found random things homes while I cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes. Mickey Mouse clubhouse was a great baby sitter! My Mom called to check on me, and my Dad messaged me to see if I was ok. Family is life. 💗

So with all that happening my spirits were lifted and my house was much less of a disaster. Which leads me to today’s topic.

Rearrange your life and their toys.

I cannot tell you how many times I moved my classroom around when I was in child care. Even as a director, if a teacher was having a hard time with their class I often went in and spent a day with them reorganizing and moving this while someone else watched the class for that day. It gave the teacher a break, and the kids a new look at things.

I use this at home with Elowyn often. It doesn’t even have to be a big change. Today I moved the Lego table 5 feet, we then played Lego together for at least half an hour if not longer. She has continued to go back to it and play several times today. All I did was move it 5 feet and it became interesting again. Her toys on her shelf in her room I rearranged a bit. Same toys, same shelf…I just moved them around to different places on the shelf. A wooden shape sorting toy she hasn’t touched in months…she just spent 15 minutes playing with. That’s a huge chunk of time for an almost 2 year old.

It’s cold and gross today so I brought the soccer net and ball into our playroom and another 15 minute chunk of time was spent playing with that!

It’s amazing what small things can help re-engage a child with old toys. We also have a closet she can’t get to that we keep toys in and bring them out to play with occasionally. This makes them new and interesting all over again.

So if you are feeling like you are in a rut, move some furniture around your living room. Rearrange your bedroom. If your child seems bored move things to a different room. Get old toys out they seem to have lost interest in and put them on a different shelf. Better yet let them pick a new home for their stuff. It’s refreshing for sure!

I was trying to find something fun and upbeat to write about, but that would not match my mood and feelings for the day. I promised this would be a brutally honest blog and sometimes honest is not pretty.

As I write this Elowyn still hasn’t had a nap and is doing summersaults in her bed. Emelia has been awake for two and a half hours and is practicing her kicking in her crib. Should I get them up? Probably. But I need a minute and they are both 100% safe and happy in their beds.

Nothing particularly bad happened today. No one got hurt, no one has been acting out. Nothing like that happened at all. But, I had a baby less than three months ago, I’m breast feeding, and I already struggle with anxiety without all the hormone shifts to make me feel crazy.

Things seem worse to me when my life is disorganized. Thanks OCD. So when my house is a mess (even though a lot of people would say it’s fine…thanks Mom 🤣) it makes everything seem hectic and crazy to me. When laundry isn’t done and toys aren’t organized it sends me into a spiral of sorts. Usually this leads to a few sweaty hours of cleaning and then I feel much better. But today my anxiety and OCD are coupled with exhaustion and lack of motivation. I know this is from hormones and it usually gets better after a few days but today it seems overwhelming.

I read all these motivational things about letting the mess wait, or living in the moment and I wish I could be someone who did those things. The fact is though, I won’t feel better until I clean the house and organize things. It weighs heavy on my mind until it’s taken care of. It makes small toddler fits seem like a huge deal, and a baby who skips a nap seem like a way bigger deal than it is.

I write this in case someone else is feeling this way and needs to know it’s ok. Do whatever you need to do to take care of your mental health. Does that mean maybe your kids watched way too much t.v. today? Or you ignored all the chores and dinner and you are having fast food tonight? Maybe you didn’t play with the kids much because you had to clean before you went crazy. Whatever it is, however you are dealing with it, just remember one bad day is not a bad life. One bad week, does not make you a bad person. You are enough no matter how you are feeling.

The only way I get through these slumps is by embracing how I’m feeling. I’m tired and worn down today and that’s ok. The dishes in the sink won’t cause a disaster because I waited a few hours to take care of them.

Let’s start with a visual.

Tonight bath time for both girls got pushed back because foam needed to immediately be installed on Elowyn’s bed. We bought the foam on Saturday morning because on Friday Elowyn decided to try to jump and fly across her bed. The result?

It was gnarly. I have seen a lot of goose eggs during my 15 years in Early Childhood. This definitely makes it on to the top 5 “most shocking goose eggs” list. I’ve seen goose eggs that stick out a lot further but this was long and wide. And well, on my own child so that immediately makes it the worst goose egg I’ve ever seen.

We learned two things from this incident…. 1. I am terrible at dealing with this type of situation. I do not remain calm and am pretty convinced the worst has happened. 2. Jack is very calm.

Now you are probably thinking, that’s great that one of them is calm. I however am usually thinking…”WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU SO CALM! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!” Good news, that’s happening in my head, not out loud. We laugh about it later.

Anyway, Jack went Saturday morning to get the foam and we planned on getting in on her bed that same weekend. Life happened though and we just never found the time.

So fast forward back to tonight. Emelia is in a rare mood where she has skipped a nap and is refusing to sleep, so I was in her room rocking her. I hear little feet go running down the hallway. I hear a loud smack followed by a loud scream. Elowyn generally only screams if something is actually hurt. The kid has no fear and frequently falls on her climbing, jumping, running adventures. When she screams, we know now to expect blood or bruises.

This one doesn’t look half as bad but actually worried me more. It’s was oozing clear liquid (which I have been informed by my husband is serous fluid and is quite normal) and is a puncture surrounded by bruising and swelling. Of course when she ran down the hallway she tripped right into the corner of her bed.

Guys she has had this bed for like 6 months! She has never seriously injured herself on it. Now twice in the last four days we have had a fun incident. So alas, the foam.

I love my little crash and burn bruiser but she is crazy!

This morning it was time to switch all of Emelia’s clothes from 0-3 month to 3-6 months.

When I moved her from newborn to 0-3 months I was still feeling very disconnected from everything. I knew I was passing the clothes on to very good friends of ours so I was happy to start packing it up for them. Today was a lot different.

Disconnected I am not. Huge feelings I now have.

Let me give you some back story to these clothes and why this is going to be extremely hard for me every time I switch her to a new size.

I am the youngest of three. My sister is 6 years older than me and has an 8 year old girl and a 5 year old girl. She is done having kids. My brother is 4 years older than me and has a 5 year old boy. He is done having kids. We have one frozen embryo left and it is a boy. I am not capable of having kids without IVF so we can 100% say Emelia is the last little girl to be born to this generation in our family.

Our journey to having kids was a long and terrible one. Every year that passed brought more doubt to if we would ever get to have kids of our own. But for 4 years, my sister hung on to all the clothes, toys, and baby equipment. They filled her basement to the brim. Bins upon bins of clothing. All the way from newborn to 4t that she wouldn’t be using ever again. Swings, bouncy seats, toys galore. Shoes, coats, hats and gloves. She saved it all. Never once did she say, it’s been awhile maybe I should get rid of all this stuff now. Never once did she have any doubt that one day I would need all of these things.

And need them I did.

She was my hope. Those clothes in her basement proof that she hadn’t given up on my family, even though some days I felt like giving up myself.

I’ve said thank you 100 times for the money she saved us but I don’t know if she knows just how much it means to me that she hung on to all these thing for me. So…thank you Stephanie, for never giving up on me and always being there for me. You gave me hope when I had run out of my own.

Four little girls these clothes have gone through. Four different set of memories each piece of clothing holds. I may have hung on to a shirt or two…or five that I just couldn’t part with.

I am so excited I get to pass these clothes on to our friends instead of gifting them to a stranger. That definitely helps. I hope they continue being passed on to someone else, you know the ones that aren’t stain covered or extremely worn. Don’t worry Kate, you can get rid of the ones that are too faded or stained. Or just not your style. I won’t be offended! I’m just glad these clothes have at least one more stop to make and one more family to help!

Feeding an infant is one of the hardest part about raising a baby and it begins before you ever give birth. Do you buy bottles or a pump? Or both? Probably both. What kind of bottles? How many bottles? There’s different size nipples? Are you sure? Now you have to decide how or what to feed them. Are you going to try and breast feed? Are you exclusively pumping? Are you feeding formula? Which formula are you planning on using? These are just the questions you have to answer before your baby is even born.

Great news! (Just kidding it’s not great news)…whatever you decide I can almost guarantee it will be a struggle. You will doubt your decisions. Your google search bar will look like this… tongue ties, lip ties, gassy newborn, orange poop, watery poop? How much poop is normal? That one is fun because I shit you not (see what I did there) the answer is they can poop once every 4 days or 5-6 times a day. Or in Emelia’s case 8-11 times a day. All of it is apparently normal. It certainly won’t make you feel better and it won’t stop you from trying to find more answers. How do I know if the baby is eating enough? How much formula should a newborn eat? Is my newborn eating too much? The list goes on and on. And if your worries aren’t enough in comes the peanut gallery. Everyone has advice. Or that’s what they are calling it but it mostly just feels like 100 judgmental people.

“Well if you are worried they aren’t eating enough just switch them to formula.”

“You’re pumping? All the time? Why don’t you just…(insert advice here) put them to the boob, give them formula, etc.”

“Why aren’t you giving them breast milk? Did you try? Well did you try everything?”

“Oh you’re using that formula? That one always made my baby cranky. Try this formula instead.”

“Maybe you’re feeding them too much…too little…too often…not often enough…”

“You’re baby is never going to sleep well if you let them fall asleep nursing.”

IT…NEVER…ENDS!

And that is just the first 4-6 months. Wait until you start introducing solids. People can’t even agree on when to start, how to start, and what to feed them first. So let me tell you something I wish someone would have told me.

FED IS BEST. Period. Every single baby is different. Every feeding journey is different. You are doing the right thing no matter what bottle you chose, formula or breast milk, pumping or nursing, it’s all ok. You are ok. The only opinion that matters is yours and your babies. Doctors can’t even agree on things. It’s not because they aren’t good at their job it’s just because it is that different for everyone.

So…take a deep breath. Seriously. Take a breath. Now forgive yourself. Let it all go. All those regrets, and fears, the unanswered questions. Let them go. You are enough and you are doing what’s best for you and yours.

I had a dear friend say once “if they are having a hard time give them fresh air or water play” and I have lived by that rule the last two years. Even as an infant Elowyn has benefited from getting in the water to help her through a hard time. We don’t have a pool, and getting her outside for water play is really hard to do with a newborn in tow.

This morning was one of those times where we needed fresh air or water play. I spent over an hour on the phone with AT&T fighting about a charge we shouldn’t have on our bill. I was chasing Elowyn around, trying to get Emelia down for a nap, and all the while I was becoming more and more frustrated. Elowyn kept saying “I swim, I swim.” Suddenly it occurred to me…why do we need a pool or a sprinkler? We have a tub!

Fun fact, the bath can be used as a play space too. It doesn’t have to just be for washing up. Why it took me two years to realize this I have no idea.

So, if you are having a rough day, or your kid is having a hard time, have a mid morning bath! Fill it with toys, maybe some bubbles, and take your little one for a swim!

One of the things I’ve been pretty open about if you know me is how terrified I was to have a second baby. I knew if I didn’t do it, I would regret it so I just did what past me had always planned on doing and had our second IVF transfer a year after Elowyn was born. Here’s the part I didn’t admit to most people. I almost wanted it to fail. Man I feel so shitty saying that now but I was so scared. I was scared I would mess up the beautiful family we already had. I was scared Elowyn would rebel and feel less loved. I was scared of being hopeful that we could have two kids. So instead I convinced myself maybe just having one was fine.

The whole pregnancy was hard both physically and emotionally. It was so different than with Elowyn. I barely ever remembered how far along I was. I never looked at an app to see what size fruit she was. I felt completely disconnected from the baby I was growing. I was pretty convinced something terrible was going to happen because it was so selfish of me to hope for more kids. We should just be happy we were able to have one. No way it would work again. No way things would go right. We spent so long trying for a family, so many heartbreaks, so many tests, procedures, tries, and so many fails. The worst part was it was 100% me that was the problem. Jack could have made a child with anyone no problem. But I had all the broken parts. So who I am to ask for not one but two children?

I don’t know if anyone has ever felt this way, or will feel comfortable enough to admit feeling this way. I wish I could say she came out and I immediately fell in love and felt better. That definitely was not the case. I pretty much made them let me leave the hospital after 48 hours. I missed my baby. The one I already had at home. She was having a really hard time at night without me, so I felt like my worst fears were confirmed. I had ruined everything. At home it got worse. Week 2 I looked at jack and said, “what the hell did we do? We ruined everything!” It was rough. Elowyn wouldn’t go to sleep because she was terrified I would disappear. Emelia stopped latching well and I had to start pumping (luckily she is great at nursing now and that nightmare is over). Things got worse and worse with Elowyn because I couldn’t pick her up. Or well, I wasn’t supposed to. Not only did I have a c-section I had my only remaining tube removed and that came with some complications. It was the worst recovery I’ve ever had. So I’m in pain, the baby won’t eat, and the older one is pissed off about the whole situation. I was 100% sure we had made a huge mistake.

Then, something happened. The world did indeed shift. It just took three weeks longer than people said. I can’t tell you an exact moment, but I can tell you it started with Elowyn. She started giving Emelia blankets. Then she asked me to put Emelia on her lap so she could hold her.

Elowyn showed me it was in fact going to be ok. We had not actually made a huge mistake. We had made the best decision ever. We have two amazing little girls who love each other so much. Elowyn asks about her sissy first thing every morning. Emelia’s face lights up anytime she hears Elowyn’s voice. They are already the best of friends. I love both girls so much and sometimes it seems absolutely insane that I struggled so much with it all.

At 32 I couldn’t tell you if I believe in fate, or a higher power. I couldn’t tell you if things happen because they are supposed to be that way. What I can tell you, is Emelia was supposed to be a part of this family. She has brought an incredible amount of joy into our lives, and I’m pretty much obsessed with both of our little girls. 💗

The very first post. Hopefully with many more to come.

First The Who…I am a stay at home mom to two amazing little girls. Before staying home with my girls I worked in Early Childhood for 15 years. I went from assistant teacher all the way to center director before ending my career to care for my kids.

Elowyn was born in November 2019 and is almost two years old. She was born four months before the pandemic started and it is the reason why I never went back to work. She is our fearless wild child. She has a huge heart, amazing manners (most of the time), and is extremely stubborn. Emelia was born in June 2021 and is currently 2 months old. So far she is our calm laid back one but let’s be honest, I won’t be surprised if that doesn’t last. I have an amazing husband, Jack, who works as a Registered Vet Tech. He makes sure it’s possible for me to continue staying home with our girls.

Now the why, it is such a big why I have trouble putting it into words. It started when Elowyn was born. We went through such a long process to have her. Two years of infertility followed by an stressful journey of treatments and procedures. The journey took us to IVF where we created 3 embryos. The final 3 chances we had at having a family. That first embryo gave us Elowyn. While I was pregnant with Elowyn I often heard the same phrases over and over. Some of them true, some of them the furthest from the truth. One of those phrases was, “It will be love at first sight. You will see her and immediately be so full of love for her it will be like she has always been there.” So for me…someone who struggles deeply with OCD and anxiety, this could not have been further from the truth. For hours after she was born I was terrified something was wrong with me. Didn’t they say it would be love at first sight? Why am I not connecting immediately with this tiny new baby. If you know me, you might not believe this happened because I love my children so deeply now, but it was not something that immediately clicked within me. Had someone, anyone been honest that they felt this way when their baby was born I would have been calm and felt better about not having an instant connection. People need to know it’s not all rainbows and butterflies and guess what? That’s ok! Some days you might be the best parent in the world, and other days you might be shocked you made it to bed time without dropping your kids off in the middle of the woods and running away as fast as you can. Don’t even get me started on breastfeeding. I do it, but it’s not some beautiful connection that makes me feel incredibly fulfilled (which is yet another thing I was constantly told I would feel). “You will love being able to provide for them, it might be hard at first but stick with it, it gets easier. You will have a deeper connection with your children because of it.” I call bullshit on all of those things. At least for me. I dislike it a lot. Elowyn was terrible at eating and it was a 9 month battle. Emelia is better but still takes 45 minutes for her to eat and she eats every 2-3 hours. So…she’s pretty much always attached to me. Yeah, not a fun time. Not extremely fulfilling for me.

But that, that is my why. People need to know it’s ok to not feel the things society tells you to feel. You don’t need to appear to be the perfect unfrazzled parent.

As for what? Who the hell knows what you will get. One day you might read my blog and feel inspired, one day you might need a drink, and one day you might feel like finding me and buying me a drink (even though I can’t drink because, breast feeding. Just another dumb thing about it 🤣). Whatever you get from reading this my hope is you at least always feel solidarity and honesty. This is a judgement free, 100% brutally honest place.